Taken from "Leviticus"

Jeanette Winterson's Oranges Are Not The Only Fruit (Leviticus)

The Heathen were a daily household preoccupation. My mother found them everywhere, particularly Next Door. They tormented her as only the godless can, but she had her methods.

They hated hymns, and she liked to play the piano, and old upright with pitted candelabra and yellow keys...

One Sunday morning, just after we had got in from Communion, we heard strange noises, like cries for help, coming from Next Door. I took no notice, but my mother froze...

'What is it?' I said.

'I don't know,' she said in a loud whisper, 'but whatever it is, it's not holy.'

'Have you got a wine glass?' urged Mrs. White.

My mother looked horrified.

'For medicinal purposes, I mean,' added Mrs. White hurriedly.

My mother went to the high cupboard...

'I never use these,' she said meaningfully.

'Neither do I,' said Mrs. White defensively, clamping herslef back against the wall...

'They're fornicating,' cried my mother, rushing to put her hands over my ears...

'Ask the Savior to Help You, we'll sing that. Mrs. White, you be the baritone.'...

By the time we got to verse 3, Next Door had started to bang on the wall.

'Listen to the Heathen,' my mother shouted jubilantly, her foot furious on the hard pedal.

'Sing it again.'

And we did, while the Heathen, driven mad by the Word, rushed away to find what blunt instruments they could to pound the wall from the other side...

My mother lept from the keys and rushed to our back yard to quote the scripture. She found herself staring at the eldest son who had a lot of spots.

'The Lord help me,' she prayed, and a piece of Deuteronomy flashed into her mind:

'The Lord will smite you with the boils of Egypt, and with the ulcers and scurvey and the itch of which you cannot be cured'...

Then she ran back inside and slammed the door.

Does this help to clear up your confusion, Zahida J.? I'm doing a presentation on this particular novel on Monday and we we've decided we need to have some dramatic reading in there, just for kicks.

It's a decent read, about an evangelist girl who preaches from the age of eight, trains to be a missionary and then comes out as a lesbian. And obviously she has a lively mother. Very interesting, though I can't say anything was really reconciled for me at the end. Then again, I'm not sure what I expected.

You know what my Egyptology prof just said? Kind of random, but funny nonetheless:

"Who built these pyramids? Well first of all, the Egyptians. There were no aliens involved."

Good to know!