Bleh, Blech, and Other Such Words

My frustration levels are skyrocketing right now and it's pissing me off. I don't understand how I can work so bloody hard all the time and not get things done - what the clap am I doing wrong? I worked until 2 this morning and then started again at 10 30 this morning. Now it's nearly 4 30 and I STILL don't have these papers written. I haven't been sitting here doing nothing. Everything just takes so much bloody time. Especially since I got a B on my English 220 paper. Now I'm paranoid. If I get a B on this next one, I will cry. Angry, self-pitying tears. As per usual.

And the paper for English 230 is worth 75%... I don't get it... I don't understand how one piece of work can be worth so much. Life isn't just one shot. What about the people who have great ideas but can't write? I'm kind of the opposite... I can usually make up for the fact that I don't quite get something by writing well. But I dunno. I just don't know.

I want to have some fun. I really need to get out of the bloody house, but there isn't time for anything. I'm taking a break right now simply because if I don't I may very well snap the monitor off my laptop. And that = not good. I just need to calm down. Studying is a privilege. Oh yah. I can say that. Still doesn't make me want to write these stupid papers.

My philosophy TA gave me a C+ on my last paper - truly a gift. I deserved an F. It was the old "well I've written three papers in the last 2 days and have a midterm this morning... guess I should whip off that Philosophy paper since it's due in three hours... shoot, haven't read any of the article." That's another problem - I don't feel like I'm ever NOT doing schoolwork these days - how the crunk am I not getting everything read? Grr. OK... must... change... subject.

I'm still enjoying English 229. My research proposal got approved and I did really well on my paper for that class. Poses another problem, though, because now I'm wondering, should I do the lit strain or the language strain for my major? Do I even want to major in English? I sure can't articulate anything very well these days (I seriously am starting to feel stupid whenever I try to say something half serious... it's getting bad!)... heck, do I even want to be in school right now? Answer: NO. I love learning and I love pushing myself, but I just need a break.

Thank goodness for Christmas break. Of course we're all going to be at Whistler (and by "we" I mean everyone my mom and dad have ever met, ever), so I'm going to be banished to a pullout in the living room. Maybe I'll just stay home and have the house to myself. That would be lovely. OK, but side tangent.

I need the break... I've been going nonstop since.... last Christmas break hehehe. This year I'm going to tell my dad that I'm not done my exams until the end of April, regardless of when I finish. Oooh good times. I know, though, that if I DO take a break from school, I'll never go back... and I don't want that lurking over my shoulders. I want to do my time and get out... or at least get an undergraduate degree so that I can say "ok I've actually accomplished something". Then do another one at a less frenetic pace. Meh.

I wish my family would just leave me alone for a few days. Doesn't that sound mean? Well I'm a mean person, so whatever. They're so bloody loud!!! Especially when Kelly has friends over = all the time. I hear that she might be going to Kaleena's house tonight. That would be beautiful. My Mom and Dad have left for a few hours to go to the Kraut fest at my mom's cousins'. Basically it's a bunch of Germans / Austrians being loud and drinking and making Sauerkraut. Hopefully they stay there for a long time. Quiet house = yay. I really hope that this negative bubbles is just temporary and I'm not turning into a horrible person. What I need to do is find a quiet place with a desk where I can do homework that isn't the library at UBC because it's too far to go there just to study. Too bad White Rock shuts down at like... 3 in the afternoon. Starbuck's and Tim Horton's are options, but you have to buy crap. And I don't have a job. Because I don't have time. Because I have school. If I stopped doing church stuff I could have a job. But I would never ever give that up. It keeps me sane. Well... I wouldn't go so far as to say that it keeps me sane, because there is really no helping that, but it makes me happy and calms me down. And helps me to refocus and realize that life isn't all about ME all the time.

Hey, come to think of it, I get to go there tomorrow. Good. And I got to go there on Wednesday and see them fix the speaker. They're so nice to me. They answer all my questions and let me poke around. Chris took me on an extended tour and explained tonnes of stuff. I'm not sure I retained all of it (well I'm certain I didn't!) but I picked up a lot of stuff, fused a few more connections in the good old brain. It was very nice of him, and a reward for me cloistering myself up and doing work for days :D.

Alright. Rant complete. The good old journal (aptly called "Peaceful Reflections") will get a much more expletive-laden, angry version. But I needed that. Very badly. Now I'm going to go attack the printer again to try to force it to work. If it doesn't work I may be back here, freaking out a bit more.

Sara.