We are falling on confusing times.
Three posts in one day is absolutely ridiculous and unheard of. But here are some things that I wanted to say earlier but didn’t. So I figure it doesn’t really count.
Sometimes I feel fine. And sometimes I. . . don’t.
This weekend was, by and large, HORRID. Bad, bad bad. A big pile of suck. Rationality took a backseat to paranoia and extreme negativity as I spent all of it (with the exception of a few blessed hours at Starbucks trying to re-integrate back into reality) in my house, by myself, with the dog and my own nasty thoughts, looking for instant gratification that never came.
I have no control over my-friggin-self and it makes me feel so damn helpless. I am TRYING to be happy but sometimes I’m just NOT. In a very, very UNHAPPY sort of way. You know when you get the point where you’re past rationality and reasoning and even though part of your brain says that you have it SOOOO good--you have family and friends that love you and you have a car and a laptop and you’re getting a good education and you’ve been saved because Jesus died for you and your dog is really cute and you got to go overseas and you don’t have any cavities--the OTHER part of your brain, the part that controls the chemicals, is flinging you into the abyss of darkness. And the abyss makes you feel like no one really cares about you at all (false) and you have it worse than anyone else (false) and you are worthless (false) and stupid (false) and not good at anything (false).
Don’t ask me how long it’s been since I’ve prayed because I’m too ashamed to tell you. I’ve tried, but there’s no connection. The connection remains, unsevered, but I think I’ve been giving the Busy Signal.
I need to be medicated or counseled or exorcised or something, but I don’t know what to dooooo. I went to see a counselor who was more than happy to take my hand and stamp “depressed” all over it, but then he tried to dismiss me by shoving me into some group that I can’t even make because some of us have to go to class. The lady on the phone, nice as she was, pissed me off by asking if I would be interested in joining a group at the end of the session, in May or June. I politely told her (while gnashing my teeth) that my biggest concern is that I can’t concentrate and my productivity rating is somehow NEGATIVE and this is a problem.
So now I “might” be on a waiting list and “might” get to see a counselor sometime in March. Fuuuuuuuuckyooouuuuualllllllll. I guess that’s why it’s a free service. Because they don’t really serve many people at all. I think my medical covers like, three visits to a shrink. FIE! FIE I SAY. I want to get better and I want to feel normal. I have the will, but so far there is no way. And truth be told, some time I don’t have the will.
I have been in hiding because I don’t want people to see me like this. I wouldn’t want to hang out with someone like me when I get into these moods. The only alternative is to be FAKE and I don’t LIKE to be fake. I’d rather just not show up.
Friday and Saturday were NO GOOD. This morning thank God (thank you thank you thank you God) I was given the precious gift of quasi-sanity so I only felt half of all that. It wasn’t raining (Hallelujah), and I got to visit with Z and then C--two great people. One visit was planned and lengthy, the other short and spontaneous. You know what? I have friends who care about me. And then, as I was brainstorming, light bulbs started going off. Not the kind you find in a penlight, or a nightlight, but beautiful, brilliant 100 watt light bulbs, or flashing neon signage even. You know what? I am not stupid. But a few moments of clarity are not enough when the rest of the time I’m befuddled as to why the hell I feel the way I do.
Sigh. I always say that it’s ok to feel weak and it’s ok to be sad and it’s ok to be angry. But the problem here is that none of those emotions make any sense to me.
I DO have it so, so good. Heck, when I think rationally, I like myself, faults, flaws and all. I KNOW where my worth comes from. But that doesn’t matter so much when the evil monster takes over and spins me out of control.
Gaaaaaaaah.
OK, I just needed to get that out.
[end rant]
Sometimes I feel fine. And sometimes I. . . don’t.
This weekend was, by and large, HORRID. Bad, bad bad. A big pile of suck. Rationality took a backseat to paranoia and extreme negativity as I spent all of it (with the exception of a few blessed hours at Starbucks trying to re-integrate back into reality) in my house, by myself, with the dog and my own nasty thoughts, looking for instant gratification that never came.
I have no control over my-friggin-self and it makes me feel so damn helpless. I am TRYING to be happy but sometimes I’m just NOT. In a very, very UNHAPPY sort of way. You know when you get the point where you’re past rationality and reasoning and even though part of your brain says that you have it SOOOO good--you have family and friends that love you and you have a car and a laptop and you’re getting a good education and you’ve been saved because Jesus died for you and your dog is really cute and you got to go overseas and you don’t have any cavities--the OTHER part of your brain, the part that controls the chemicals, is flinging you into the abyss of darkness. And the abyss makes you feel like no one really cares about you at all (false) and you have it worse than anyone else (false) and you are worthless (false) and stupid (false) and not good at anything (false).
Don’t ask me how long it’s been since I’ve prayed because I’m too ashamed to tell you. I’ve tried, but there’s no connection. The connection remains, unsevered, but I think I’ve been giving the Busy Signal.
I need to be medicated or counseled or exorcised or something, but I don’t know what to dooooo. I went to see a counselor who was more than happy to take my hand and stamp “depressed” all over it, but then he tried to dismiss me by shoving me into some group that I can’t even make because some of us have to go to class. The lady on the phone, nice as she was, pissed me off by asking if I would be interested in joining a group at the end of the session, in May or June. I politely told her (while gnashing my teeth) that my biggest concern is that I can’t concentrate and my productivity rating is somehow NEGATIVE and this is a problem.
So now I “might” be on a waiting list and “might” get to see a counselor sometime in March. Fuuuuuuuuckyooouuuuualllllllll. I guess that’s why it’s a free service. Because they don’t really serve many people at all. I think my medical covers like, three visits to a shrink. FIE! FIE I SAY. I want to get better and I want to feel normal. I have the will, but so far there is no way. And truth be told, some time I don’t have the will.
I have been in hiding because I don’t want people to see me like this. I wouldn’t want to hang out with someone like me when I get into these moods. The only alternative is to be FAKE and I don’t LIKE to be fake. I’d rather just not show up.
Friday and Saturday were NO GOOD. This morning thank God (thank you thank you thank you God) I was given the precious gift of quasi-sanity so I only felt half of all that. It wasn’t raining (Hallelujah), and I got to visit with Z and then C--two great people. One visit was planned and lengthy, the other short and spontaneous. You know what? I have friends who care about me. And then, as I was brainstorming, light bulbs started going off. Not the kind you find in a penlight, or a nightlight, but beautiful, brilliant 100 watt light bulbs, or flashing neon signage even. You know what? I am not stupid. But a few moments of clarity are not enough when the rest of the time I’m befuddled as to why the hell I feel the way I do.
Sigh. I always say that it’s ok to feel weak and it’s ok to be sad and it’s ok to be angry. But the problem here is that none of those emotions make any sense to me.
I DO have it so, so good. Heck, when I think rationally, I like myself, faults, flaws and all. I KNOW where my worth comes from. But that doesn’t matter so much when the evil monster takes over and spins me out of control.
Gaaaaaaaah.
OK, I just needed to get that out.
[end rant]
posted by Sara at
11:14 p.m.
