Craving spiritual community right about now…
I need to be real, and I need people to accept that.
I want to be able to yell and get angry and say “that’s
bullshit!” and I don’t want anyone to think I’m going to
hell because of it.
I miss being able to say “I don’t get this” and not feeling
stupid because of it.
I want to struggle instead of being complacent.
I need to be able to discuss something and disagree with the
person next to me while still loving them just the same.
I need to be able to admit that I don’t understand
homosexuality, or why someone would choose to be persecuted
and marginalized because of who they love. And I want to
know that despite my imperfect understanding, God is
continually challenging me and loving me anyway.
I don’t want to be judged because I can’t accept every
passage in the Bible, or because sometimes, I am a hypocrite.
I can’t reconcile everything with my heart, and I can’t
reconcile everything with my head. I want that to be ok. I
don’t want to have to have it all together, and I don’t want
to be looked down upon because I am real and broken.
I feel like I have been met with the expectation that I will
exist in a happy Christian bubble and that I will smile and
nod at every word spoken to me. What I really want to do is
take a pin to that bubble, explode it everywhere, and
say “welcome to reality.”
I am annoyed that there are those who seem to have written
me off because I watch movies that might talk about sex, or
because I get drunk once in a while, or because someone can
drop the F-bomb in my presence without my getting personally
offended.
I want to stop frowning.
My desire is that people would realize that I am unworthy of
God’s forgiving love, of Jesus’ sacrifice, but that I have
worth BECAUSE of those things.
And at the end of the day, I want to be on my knees praising
God and wondering why I can’t seem to stop thinking
about “me.” And why I can sing “All of You is more than
enough for all of me” and still really, REALLY want
community. I feel like in the last few months He has been
investing so much of Himself into my life, and yet I crave
more.
I miss church. Not the buildings, the people. The
accountability, the unequivocal acceptance, the guidance,
the rawness. All of it.
I am going to post this and try not to beat myself up about
it even though once again, as usual, my words seem to fall
short of what I’m trying to get across here.
Going to stop typing now and try to ignore the sound of my
own nagging thoughts.
posted by Sara at
3:15 a.m.
4 Comments:
I can't offer any sage advice, except don't be afraid to be those things you miss. "Be what you want." There's others around who are feeling the same inside their heads. That is, if your head is indeed where you're feeling.
Anyways... everybody needs an example of Grace and you are one.
Miss you.
By
none, at 3:47 p.m.
You are special BECAUSE you want to be YOU - without fear or restriction.
For someone else to be judgmental of you and for you to feel inadequate or "not meeting their expectations" is not right. They are not without blemish.
You are no less special, no more or no less worthy of G-d's love because of it.
You are not a Stepford Wife. Be different - it makes you who you are. Be you.
That is the greatest gift.
By
Mike, at 1:48 p.m.
And while you are being you, throw another shrimp on the barbie!
By
Mike, at 1:49 p.m.
hey babe,
this was an excellent post, i wish i would have read it earlier. i eat it up when people are real. listen, it is a gift to admit you don't know everything, or for that matter, to admit you know nothing. it is awesome that you don't understand...because neither do I. further to this, it is even better that you question passages in the bible...don't get me wrong, the bible is truth, but we will not gain understanding until we ask questions and struggle with what God wrote.
I miss you very much. I miss you insight in our CG. much love, dean
By
Anonymous, at 1:01 p.m.
Post a Comment
<< Home