I was cleaning out Craptop (my old laptop) the other day and I came across one of my very favorite random Internet finds of all time. Too good to pass up, too good to delete. In fact, I may be laughing right now. Actually, I definitely am. I can’t quite remember where they came from, but that they were part of an American-produced document on tips for anti-terrorism. Some meathead added her/his own captions and the rest is history.

Oh, and by the way, if I get snipered by the American government for posting these, well, we’ll know that we aren’t supposed to do such things.

Bon Appetit!


A degree in chemistry can help you fight off terrorists.


A one-inch thick piece of plywood should be sufficient protection from chemical weapons.


After exposure to radiation it is important to consider that you may have mutated to gigantic dimensions: watch your head.
In the event of emergency, find a 3-story, 10-foot-high building. The midgets inside will be sure to help you. Remember, just follow the enormous red arrow protruding from your crotch.


Be on the lookout for terrorists with pinkeye and leprosy. Also, they tend to rub their hands together manically.


Bribe terrorists to leave you alone with American consumer devices.


Bush’s hometown is no great loss.


Do not drive a station wagon if a power pole is protruding from the hood.


Hurricanes, animal corpses and the biohazard symbol have a lot in common. Think about it.


If a door is closed, karate chop it open.


If you are sprayed with an unknown substance, stand and think about it instead of seeing a doctor.


If you are trapped under falling debris, conserve oxygen by not farting.


If you have set yourself on fire, do not run.


If you hear the Backstreet Boys, Michael Bolton or Yanni on the radio, cower in the corner or run like hell.


If you lose a contact lens during a chemical attack, do not stop to look for it.


If you see a nuclear explosion on the horizon, pull to the side of the road, take some pictures, and wait for the blast to hit you.


If you spot a terrorist arrow, pin it against the wall with your shoulder


If you spot terrorism, blow your anti-terrorism whistle. If you are Vin Diesel, yell really loud.


If you've become a radiation mutant with a deformed hand, remember to close the window. No one wants to see that shit.


If your lungs and stomach start talking, stand with your arms akimbo until they stop.


Michael Jackson is a terrorist. If you spot this smooth criminal with dead, dead eyes, run the f**k away.


Terrorists may try to contaminate your laundry detergent. Smell clothing to ensure it's fresh and clean.


Terrorists usually have terrible indigestion from eating our food. Don't use the restroom after they do! In case of flames bursting out around door, do NOT leave it shut. Always open flaming doors.


The proper way to eliminate smallpox is to wash with soap, water and at least one(1) armless hand.


Try to absorb as much of the radiation as possible with your groin region. After 5 minutes and 12 seconds, however, you may become sterile
Stand in radiation for exactly 5 minutes and 12 seconds a day for a healthy, glowing complexion.


Use your flashlight to lift the walls right off you!

I have to work at 5am tomorrow. This is very gross.